DR. Rizaldy R. Ferrer, PHD

Licensed Psychologist | Online psychological services available across participating PSYPACT states

Category: Mindfulness & Self-Care (Page 4 of 4)

Grief During the Holidays

Zelda: I was hoping to talk a little bit about grief losing my dad.  My partner and I went to visit his family this weekend, which brought up a lot of emotions.  And just maybe the next couple months are usually pretty rough, which starts right about now. My birthday is next week; and then of course he died during the holidays. It’s a pretty heavy time, you know.

Dr. Ferrer: Tell me about your dad, Zelda.  What comes up in your memory?

Zelda proceeded to share that as she and her boyfriend were driving up to visit his family, the music that was playing in the car were songs her father enjoyed. Consequently, other stories of her childhood, pleasant and unpleasant, have surfaced.

Zelda: Once we got there to his family, it’s lovely because he still has the three generations of men.  And that’s not something that we’ve ever had in my family. My dad’s father died really young as well. My mom’s father died when he was a baby. So as much as I enjoyed hanging out with them, it got a little bit hard. 

Dr. Ferrer: And what feelings came up as you were experiencing or having those thoughts?

Zelda: Sadness…a little bit of frustration in there too, just because my relationship with my dad was very complicated.

Dr. Ferrer: I’m curious about the circumstances leading up to your father’s passing.

Zelda: It was a little rough. My dad had a hereditary blood clotting disorder. He had a couple of genetic issues. He also had another one having to do with the spinal cord that was unrelated. So, there was a period in time where my dad first found out about this because he got a blood clot in his leg that was really bad and he went to the hospital Thank God, they were able to get them on blood thinners, but my dad was also an alcoholic, and he could not or chose not to give up drinking.

She proceeded to tell additional information about the events leading to his father’s death.  He was only 47 years old.

Zelda: At 21 years old and my brother was almost 18 years old, we had to make the decision to take off the life support.  There was a lot of guilt in that.  After he died, the rest of it was just kind of a blur; just trying to get his house organized and getting memorial services together. He died on December 10. It’s a pretty hard time here, even so many years later and I also turn 30 next week, I just didn’t envision ever celebrating him without him.

I believe that he probably directly contributed to his own demise. And that was pretty hard pill to swallow. So, when my mom does stupid s**t, like not wearing her sleep apnea mask and gives herself a f***ing, you know, a mini stroke…

Dr. Ferrer: You are more sensitive to, perhaps even triggering the anger because you’ve already lost one.

Zelda: Yeah. I feel so many mixed emotions. It gives me a lot of contexts of my childhood and why my parents were the way that they were. I couldn’t do anything.

Dr. Ferrer: Yes, as if your hands are tied and someone in front of you is tortured and helpless.  You couldn’t do anything about your parents’ health and lifestyle choices because they’re theirs. That’s their responsibility. But you see in front of you how they cared about their body. You can express your opinion, but you can’t do anything about the actions they take.  It’s not in your control, and to feel that lack of control is always frightening or horrifying for us witnessing the pain and suffering of others.

Zelda: Yes, there’s that sense of just this frustration, an enormous sense of frustration.

Dr. Ferrer: When I asked you to retell your story about your father, I was deliberate.  I appreciate deeply your audacity to share what can be difficult experiences for one to have to go through. And you’ve taken the strength, the courage to describe what you remember, to retell what you experienced.  What are the thoughts and feelings about this process, then?

Zelda: Part of it feels like a relief, like letting air out of a balloon.  I’m not even sad for myself anymore, but I’m sad for him. I’m sad for both of my parents. I’m sad for my dad. You can’t make somebody see the reasons that they deserve to be here. That’s what I think about a lot.  He was a college athlete, but he’s been sick forever. He got sick when I was five. So, he’s been sick for 15 years. At that point. He had the opportunity to come to terms with it. But, I don’t know that he ever did not. My heart just aches, it’s just so sad. It feels like you know, we weren’t good enough for him to try to live, to do his best. 

More instances of catharsis took place during the session.  In psychotherapy, catharsis refers to the release and emotional purging of repressed or pent-up feelings and emotions.  The idea is that by expressing and experiencing deeply held emotions, individuals can achieve a sense of relief, clarity, and emotional purification. This process is believed to contribute to psychological healing and personal growth. Catharsis can take various forms, including verbal expression (such as talking about one’s feelings), non-verbal expression (crying, screaming, or other emotional outlets), or creative expression (art, music, writing).

Talking about grief can, therefore, be cathartic.  Telling stories about a deceased loved one can be helpful in the grief process for several reasons: preserving memories, honoring the deceased, connecting with others, normalizing grief, finding meaning, and creating a narrative of healing.

Still, it’s important to note that grieving is a highly personal and individual process, and different people may find comfort in different ways. While some may benefit from sharing stories, others may find solace through different forms of expression or support.  Likewise, consider that grieving is not just someone’s process from a recent loss.  Some people may continue to grieve for a longer period, while others have short episodes of grieving, particularly during special calendar events, such as the winter holidays.

During the holidays, give oneself the space to grieve.  Seek support from others such as friends or a professional to talk the grief through and prioritize self-care.

Notice & Disclaimer: The information provided in this newsletter is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing any mental health issues, please seek professional help. The author of this blog is not liable for any damages or injuries that may result from the use of the information provided here. 

When applicable, the names, gender identification, location and/or other identifiable characteristics have been modified to maintain privacy and confidentiality; whilst, still maintaining the integrity of their stories and narratives.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering is a Choice

We inevitably encounter painful experiences in life—breakups, humiliation, rejection, failure, and various stressors that challenge our mental and emotional well-being. These events can be understood as emotional or psychological pain, similar to the way physical injuries or diseases cause pain or discomfort to our bodies. Just as physical pain is a natural response to injury, emotional pain is a response to the mental and emotional “injuries” we face. However, while physical pain tends to subside with time or treatment, emotional pain may linger, even after the original cause has passed.

The key distinction I argue in this philosophy is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the initial emotional response to life’s inevitable hardships. It is unavoidable, much like the pain of a physical injury. But suffering—the prolonged and often deepened emotional distress we experience long after the event—is something we contribute to and, to a degree, choose.

Let’s consider physical pain as a metaphor. When you suffer an injury, the body’s natural healing processes often take over. A cut heals, a bruise fades, and with proper care, most physical wounds resolve. While the pain of the injury can be intense, it is typically temporary. Likewise, emotional pain from rejection, failure, or humiliation also has a natural course. Initially, it hurts, but in many cases, it, too, can fade over time, especially when we allow ourselves to process it healthily.

However, unlike physical pain, emotional pain can evolve into something more persistent—suffering. Suffering is what happens when we continue to hold on to the pain through the narratives we create in our minds. These narratives often revolve around self-blame, shame, and negative self-evaluation. We begin to revisit the painful experience repeatedly, analyzing it, assigning personal fault, and questioning our self-worth. Over time, this pattern transforms the pain into suffering.

The original emotional pain—the rejection, the failure—has ended. What sustains the suffering now is not the event itself, but the stories we tell ourselves about that event. For example, after a rejection, we might internalize the belief, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll always fail.” This self-blame and shame become a feedback loop, feeding the suffering and allowing it to persist far beyond the original pain.

Below is an excerpt of the therapy session I had to illustrate one example of how I applied this philosophy.

Brandi: I kind of lose control when things get off track. Over the weekend, my friend was celebrating her 30th birthday. I wasn’t going to go because of my upcoming surgery, but then I changed my mind. I wanted to be there for her since I heard she was upset that people were dropping out. So I went, even though I was worried about getting sick. And indeed, I believe I caught COVID from being there. I was really kicking myself for it—blaming myself. I should’ve been more careful since I knew surgery was coming up. But my first instinct was to take care of others. I didn’t think about isolating or protecting myself.

Dr. Ferrer: Many people, including you, go to that place of self-blame. The difference is, for you, it’s harder to get out of that loop. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. The pain there, of course, is the disappointment that your surgery is canceled because you need to be well to undergo the procedure. However, you stay in the suffering longer than necessary. That is, creating a narrative that shames you.

Brandi: Yeah, it’s like a Buddhist principle. I get stuck in it, even though I know logically there’s nothing I can do about it now. It already happened. There’s another surgery date, but I keep wallowing in the “I should’ve done this differently” mindset.

Dr. Ferrer: Think about how you treat your own kids when they’re in pain. Do you immediately tell them, “See, I told you so.” Of course not. There’s no difference in how you should treat yourself. You can give that same care to yourself, but instead, you revert to shame and blame. Pain is already that feeling let down when you realize that taking care of your friend by being present in her celebration may have caused you to catch a virus. It is something you cannot change anymore. But by responding to that pain with the negative narrative is that suffering you are choosing.

Brandi: It’s easy to tell myself I’m a failure. I beat myself up. I forgot to take care of myself when I should’ve. It’s simply hard to just stay in pain and not suffering. I was crying hard that Monday, and my partner didn’t know how to help. I think she was trying by keeping her distance because I was irritable, which is also a trigger for her. I was upset with myself, feeling like a failure for not thinking about protecting myself before the surgery.

Dr. Ferrer: And that’s where the spiral starts.

Brandi: Exactly. Then my daughter came downstairs and saw me crying. She was supposed to watch a movie, but my partner told her I wasn’t up for it. She got upset. I felt like I had to pull myself together because she needed me. So, I went to the bathroom, blew my nose, and told myself, “You have to get up. She’s a kid, she needs help.”

I took a walk with the dog, trying to comfort myself. But it felt like a battle—the mental loop was still there.

Dr. Ferrer: I hear you. And yet, you found a way to comfort yourself. That’s important. You recognized you needed to carry on, even though you were still in pain. In a way, you dealt with the pain but chose not to suffer by doing your best.

Brandi: Yeah, I told my partner what was going on in my head. I explained that when things like this happen, I spiral and beat myself up. But even though I was still struggling, I could see the loop and work through it.

Dr. Ferrer: You’re recognizing it now, which is a big step. The fact that you didn’t get stuck in the negative loop as long as you used to previously is progress. You’re shortening the duration of those spirals.

Brandi: Yeah, I can see that. It took a while, but I managed to pull myself out of it faster than I would’ve in the past. The next day, I called the surgeon’s office, and they postponed the surgery for 30 days. I felt nervous, but I answered the call, which felt like a victory in itself.

In essence, while pain is an inevitable part of life, suffering is something we often create and sustain through our own narratives of self-blame and shame. The distinction lies in our response: while pain arises naturally from difficult experiences, suffering is the result of holding on to and feeding that pain with negative thoughts. By recognizing this, we can choose to let go of the stories that perpetuate suffering and allow ourselves to heal emotionally, just as our bodies naturally heal from physical wounds. Ultimately, though we cannot avoid pain, we can decide whether or not to suffer.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

Disclaimer:
The information provided in this newsletter is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing any mental health issues, please seek professional help. The author of this blog is not liable for any damages or injuries that may result from the use of the information provided here.

When applicable, the names, gender identification, location and/or other identifiable characteristics have been modified to maintain privacy and confidentiality; whilst, still maintaining the integrity of their stories and narratives.

I’m Active, Not Busy!

Over 10 years ago, during a therapy session with a 12-year-old patient, I started the conversation by asking, “How are you? Have you been busy?” He paused for a moment and then replied, “No, active.” His response struck me, and it since changed the way I think about the words I choose to describe my intentions and how I go about my day.

I realized that using the word “busy” often leaves me feeling stressed and anxious, as though I’m running around without purpose—like a chicken with its head cut off. When I reflect on how people usually say they’re “busy,” it often seems to carry a sense of being overwhelmed or not in control of life’s demands. Some even wear “busy” as a badge of honor, as if juggling too many things is normal, even though they don’t actually enjoy the feeling.

This experience inspired me to continue to explore how the words we use everyday matter in the way we think and their impact on our feelings and actions. In my work as a practicing psychologist, I pay attention to individuals’ experiences associated with “feeling busy,” and suggest trying to use “active” to gain more control over their behaviors. In this article, I also explore the cultural and common idea of being “busy” in today’s world, looking at research that shows how the words we use shape our behavior, thinking, and wellbeing.

The word “busy” seems to be a common answer to the question, “How are you?” For many, being “busy” has become a way of life, almost a standard response that suggests a sense of productivity and purpose. But is this really the case? The word “busy” often implies that we are overwhelmed and constantly reacting to endless demands. It suggests a lack of control over our time and energy, and it can carry a heavy sense of stress.

The Problem with “Busy”

When people describe themselves as “busy,” they might actually be conveying that their lives feel chaotic and unmanageable. Research shows that this perception of busyness is often linked to increased stress and burnout. A study by Gordon et al. (2019) found that the language we use to talk about our daily lives, like saying we’re “busy,” is directly related to how much stress we experience. People tend to feel less in control when they frame their day-to-day tasks as overwhelming and unmanageable.

In contrast, I argue that when we think of ourselves as “active,” there’s a shift in how we approach our tasks. Being “active” suggests intention and purpose—it implies that we are engaged in our activities by choice, rather than feeling trapped by them. This shift in perspective can make a significant difference in how we experience our daily lives.

Words Shape Our Reality

The idea that language shapes how we think, and feel has long been studied in the field of psychology. According to the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis (Whorf, 1956), the words we use influence our perception of reality. For instance, a study conducted by Boroditsky (2001) demonstrated that people who speak different languages perceive time differently based on how their language structures the concept of time. This finding shows that our words don’t just reflect our thoughts; they actively shape them.

When we repeatedly use the word “busy,” it can reinforce feelings of stress and anxiety, making it more challenging to find calm in our everyday activities. On the other hand, using a word like “active” can encourage a mindset that focuses on purposeful action and engagement, helping us feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

Changing Language, Changing Behavior

Research has also shown that changing our language can lead to changes in our behavior. Carol Dweck (2006), in her study of mindsets, found that students who used language focused on growth and learning were more resilient and willing to embrace challenges. They developed what she termed a “growth mindset,” which significantly improved their problem-solving skills and adaptability.

Applying this idea to our daily lives, when we choose to describe ourselves as “active” instead of “busy,” we might find that we approach challenges with more intention and clarity. The simple act of changing our language can help us shift from feeling overwhelmed to feeling engaged and purposeful.

The Impact on Wellbeing

Our choice of words also has a profound impact on our overall wellbeing. Studies have shown that people who regularly describe their lives as “busy” are more likely to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety and stress (Matthews & Wells, 2020). In contrast, those who describe their activities as “active” or “engaged” tend to report higher levels of satisfaction and a greater sense of accomplishment.

Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010) conducted a study revealing that people are happiest when they are fully present in their activities, regardless of how many tasks they have. This finding aligns with the idea that being “active” promotes mindfulness and focus, while being “busy” can lead to distraction and a sense of losing control over one’s life.

Conclusion

Choosing to be “active” rather than “busy” is more than just a shift in language—it’s a shift in mindset. This change can help us regain control of our lives, turning what feels like chaos into a series of purposeful actions. By reframing our tasks as part of a chosen engagement rather than overwhelming demands, we create a more balanced, intentional approach to our daily activities.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

References

Boroditsky, L. (2001). Does Language Shape Thought? Mandarin and English Speakers’ Conceptions of Time. Cognitive Psychology, 43(1), 1-22.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.

Gordon, C., Montgomery, A., & Napier, S. (2019). The Language of Stress: How Words Relate to Mental Health. Journal of Applied Linguistics, 15(2), 210-227.

Killingsworth, M. A., & Gilbert, D. T. (2010). A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind. Science, 330(6006), 932.

Matthews, G., & Wells, A. (2020). Stress and Language: The Role of Everyday Expressions in Mental Health. Health Psychology Review, 14(3), 456-478.

Whorf, B. L. (1956). Language, Thought, and Reality: Selected Writings of Benjamin Lee Whorf. MIT Press.

7NOW

The 7 Network of Wellbeing

In my 30 years of studying human behavior and wellbeing, I’ve discovered that optimal personal growth and fulfillment stem from enriching multiple facets of our lives, not just focusing on one. Through my work as a psychologist, meeting over a thousand individuals, seven common themes consistently emerge. However, I’ve noticed that when even one of these areas is overlooked, it negatively impacts a person’s overall sense of wellbeing, underscoring the importance of maintaining harmony across all facets of life.

The “7 Network of Wellbeing” is coined after learning from the research and insights of Peter Wohlleben, a German forester and author of The Hidden Life of Trees, and Suzanne Simard, a renowned forest ecologist. They explain how trees are far more social and interconnected than previously understood, sharing nutrients and information through fungal networks beneath the soil. This mutual support system helps trees thrive and survive as a community, rather than as isolated individuals.

In the documentary Intelligent Trees, released in 2016 and directed by Julia Dordel and Guido Tölke, it explores the fascinating communication and cooperative behaviors of trees, particularly focusing on how they interact through an underground network often referred to as the “Wood Wide Web.”

Just like trees connect through underground networks to nurture and sustain each other, our wellbeing is interconnected through seven essential realms: physical, psychological, social, environmental, economic, spiritual, and artistic. Each aspect supports and enriches the other, creating a resilient network for holistic health and happiness. And when these areas of our lives are in harmony, they create a strong foundation for overall wellbeing.

Here are short tips for you to begin your practice of enriching your 7 Network of Wellbeing:

  1. Physical: Engage in regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep to maintain and enhance your physical health.
  2. Psychological: Practice mindfulness and meditation to manage stress and foster emotional resilience.
  3. Social: Nurture relationships by staying connected with loved ones, participating in community activities, and practicing active listening.
  4. Environmental: Spend time in nature and adopt eco-friendly habits, like recycling and reducing waste.
  5. Economic: Create a budget, save regularly, and set financial goals to manage your resources effectively.
  6. Spiritual: Reflect on your values and purpose through meditation, prayer, or other spiritual practices.
  7. Artistic: Engage in creative activities like drawing, writing, or music to express yourself and stimulate your imagination.

These practices can help you build a balanced and interconnected sense of wellbeing across these seven areas.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

Mental Health

When we talk about wellbeing, we often think of physical health – eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. But did you know that mental health is just as important? It affects how we think, feel, and behave.

Why is mental health important?

  • It affects our daily life: How we handle stress, relationships, and work.
  • It influences our physical health: Mental health issues can lead to physical problems like headaches or stomach aches.
  • It’s essential for our wellbeing: A healthy mind contributes to a fulfilling life.

How to Nurture Your Mental Health

  1. Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help you focus on the present moment, reducing stress and anxiety.
  2. Connect with Others: Building strong relationships can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging.
  3. Healthy Lifestyle: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and enough sleep are crucial for overall wellbeing.
  4. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with mental health issues, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist or counselor.

Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Just like you would seek the help of a physician when you are ill, it’s just as important to seek help for your mental health. By understanding the basics and taking steps to improve your wellbeing, you can live a happier and healthier life.

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