Tag: Self-Compassion

Why Self-Compassion Feels So Difficult

Many people find it easier to be compassionate toward others than toward themselves. A person may comfort a struggling friend with patience and understanding, yet respond to their own mistakes with harsh criticism. This pattern is so common that many individuals mistake self-criticism for responsibility or motivation, believing that being hard on themselves will push them to improve.

Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as treating yourself with the same care, understanding, and humanity you would offer someone you love (Neff, 2003). Self-compassion does not mean avoiding accountability or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it involves recognizing that mistakes, setbacks, and emotional pain are part of being human. Research shows that people with higher levels of self-compassion tend to experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and burnout while also demonstrating greater emotional resilience (Neff & Germer, 2013).

One reason self-compassion can feel uncomfortable is because many people associate softness with weakness. In cultures that emphasize productivity and achievement, gentleness toward oneself may feel undeserved unless it has been “earned” through success. However, studies suggest that chronic self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system, increasing stress responses and emotional exhaustion over time (Gilbert, 2009). Compassion, in contrast, helps activate systems associated with safety, emotional regulation, and connection.

Learning self-compassion often begins with small shifts in language. Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” after a mistake, a person might ask, “What do I need right now?” Instead of assuming failure means inadequacy, they might recognize that struggling is part of growth. Self-compassion does not remove challenges from life, but it changes the emotional environment in which those challenges are faced. And sometimes, that softer environment is exactly what allows healing to begin.

References

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

When the Seasons Affect Our Mood: Understanding Winter Changes

In the past two weeks, a couple of patients told me something similar: their mood felt “off,” even though nothing stressful was happening in their lives.

One patient noticed she felt more tired after the time change. The sun set earlier, and her body slowed down. Even though she still did her chores and met her responsibilities, she caught herself calling it “laziness.” Together, we talked about how this feeling was real, but the label didn’t match the facts. Sometimes our bodies get tired earlier because of changes in sunlight, not because we’re doing anything wrong.

Another patient shared that he recently felt more distracted, unsure of himself, and unusually emotional. His work and home life were steady, yet he found himself searching for explanations—Why do I feel this way? Did something go wrong? We discussed how the mind often tries to “fill in the blanks” when mood changes, even if nothing in life has changed. Sometimes the cause is biological, not personal.

In both cases, I explained that many people notice mood shifts when the seasons change. This experience is common, and it doesn’t mean they are failing or losing progress. It simply means their bodies and brains are responding to the environment.

This is where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) becomes important to understand.

What Is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression that follows a pattern based on the seasons. Most people think SAD only happens in winter, but research shows it can happen in any season—winter, spring, summer, or fall—depending on the person (American Psychiatric Association, 2022).

How Common Is It?

About 1–5% of adults experience SAD each year.
Up to 20% experience a milder form often called the “winter blues” (Melrose, 2015).

Why Does It Happen?

Scientists explain SAD using a few key ideas:

Less Sunlight = Body Clock Changes
When daylight hours shrink, our internal clock can get out of rhythm. Research shows that light is the main signal that resets the brain’s “master clock,” which helps control sleep, mood, and energy (Czeisler & Gooley, 2007).
Without enough morning light, we may feel tired, foggy, or low in mood.
Serotonin Levels Drop
Serotonin helps regulate mood. Darker days can lower serotonin activity.
More Melatonin
Longer darkness can cause the body to release more melatonin, leading to sluggishness.

Is It Always Winter-Related?

Not always. Some people have summer-pattern SAD, where too much heat or sunlight affects sleep and mood (Rosen et al., 1990).

What Helps?

Research supports several treatments:

Light therapy using a special lamp (Lam et al., 2006).
Cognitive-behavioral therapy made for SAD (CBT-SAD).
Vitamin D, though results are mixed and should only be taken with medical guidance (Gloth, Alam, & Hollis, 1999).

How You Can Support Your Mood

During Winter

Here are simple, research-supported steps you can take:

1. Notice Your Seasonal Pattern

Pay attention each year:

Do you feel more tired or discouraged during winter?
Do earlier sunsets affect your energy?
Do you assume low energy means something is “wrong”?

Awareness helps prevent negative self-talk.

2. Get Sunlight in the Morning

Your brain needs light to reset its internal clock—this is backed by circadian rhythm research showing that morning light helps regulate mood and energy (Czeisler & Gooley, 2007).

Try:

5–10 minutes of morning sunlight
Going outdoors soon after waking
Sitting near a window if outdoor time isn’t possible

This is something both of my patients found helpful once they tried it.

3. Move Your Body

Exercise boosts mood and energy.
You don’t need an intense routine—start with:

A short walk
Light stretching
A few minutes of strength work

Consistency matters more than intensity.

4. Stay Connected

Winter and the holidays can make people feel lonely.
Try to maintain simple connections:

A weekly check-in
A walk with a friend
Time with supportive people

Connection protects emotional health.

5. Talk With a Doctor About Vitamin D

Low Vitamin D may affect mood for some people, but the research is mixed.
Because supplements can be overused, talk with a medical provider before taking any (Gloth et al., 1999).

6. Be Kind to Yourself When Energy Drops

Feeling tired does not mean you are failing.
Sometimes your body is reacting to the season.

Before blaming yourself, consider whether winter changes might be influencing your mood.

7. Prepare for Your Harder Months

If you notice a yearly pattern, plan ahead:

Start light therapy early
Lower unnecessary commitments
Build in more rest
Strengthen routines that help you feel grounded

Planning gives you control before mood shifts begin.

Seasonal mood changes are normal and very common. They do not mean you are weak, lazy, or doing something wrong. Our bodies respond to sunlight, temperature, sleep changes, and rhythm shifts. When you understand this, you can replace self-blame with self-care. And as we saw in both therapy sessions, awareness helps people feel more hopeful and less confused about their emotional experiences.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).

Czeisler, C. A., & Gooley, J. J. (2007). Sleep and circadian rhythms in humans. Cold Spring Harbor Symposia on Quantitative Biology, 72, 579–597.

Gloth, F. M., Alam, W., & Hollis, B. (1999). Vitamin D vs broad spectrum phototherapy in the treatment of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Journal of Nutrition, Health & Aging, 3(1), 5–7.

Lam, R. W., Levitt, A. J., Levitan, R. D., Enns, M. W., Morehouse, R., Michalak, E. E., & Tam, E. M. (2006). The Can-SAD study: A randomized controlled trial of bright light therapy and fluoxetine in Seasonal Affective Disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(5), 805–812.

Melrose, S. (2015). Seasonal Affective Disorder: An overview of assessment and treatment approaches. Depression Research and Treatment, 2015, 1–6.

Rohan, K. J., Sigmon, S. T., & Dorhofer, D. M. (2003). Cognitive-behavioral factors in Seasonal Affective Disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(5), 993–1004.

Rosen, L. N., Targum, S. D., Terman, M., Bryant, M. J., Hoffman, H., Kasper, S. F., & Wehr, T. A. (1990). Prevalence of Seasonal Affective Disorder at four latitudes. Psychiatry Research, 31(2), 131–144.*

The Weight of Unworthiness, and the Work of Healing

Have you ever asked yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” or thought, “I don’t deserve good things”? If so, you’re not alone. Many people, especially those going through depression or anxiety, struggle with feeling unworthy.

But where do these feelings come from? And more importantly, how can we begin to change them?

Let’s take a closer look.

What “Feeling Unworthy” Really Means

Feeling unworthy is more than just having a bad day. It’s a deep belief that you’re not good enough—not smart enough, lovable enough, successful enough, or simply not enough.

Psychologists call this low self-concept clarity—it means you’re unsure of who you are and what makes you valuable (Campbell et al., 2003). When this happens, it’s easy to doubt your worth, compare yourself to others, or feel like you’re constantly falling behind.

Where These Feelings Often Come From

People who feel unworthy usually don’t just wake up one day and feel that way. These thoughts often start early and build over time. Based on research and what people share in therapy, here are some common reasons:

You were criticized or ignored as a child
(“I only got attention when I messed up.”)
You had to care for others before yourself
(“My feelings didn’t matter.”)
You were only praised for achievements
(“If I wasn’t perfect, I felt like a failure.”)
You were bullied or rejected
(“Others made me feel small.”)
You compare yourself constantly
(“Everyone else seems to be doing better than me.”)
You experienced trauma or abuse
(“I thought I caused it… I must be bad.”)

These experiences can shape the way we think about ourselves—even long after they’re over (Brown, 2006; Herman, 1992).

You Can Start Rebuilding Your Worth—One Day at a Time

The good news? You can begin healing—not all at once, but with small steps. Here are simple, daily activities (5–15 minutes) that can help rebuild your sense of worth.

1. Say Something Kind to Yourself in the Mirror (5 min)

Look yourself in the eye and say one true, positive thing.
Example: “I’m doing my best, and that counts.”
This builds self-compassion, which helps reduce shame and social anxiety (Neff & Vonk, 2009).

2. Write a Short “I Am” List (5 min)

Each day, write 3 words that describe you right now.
Example: “I am tired, thoughtful, and trying.”
This helps increase self-concept clarity—knowing and accepting who you are (Campbell et al., 2003).

3. Practice a Brave Choice (5–10 min)

Speak up in a group, share your opinion, or say no when needed.
These “small brave acts” help rebuild confidence, especially in social situations (Clark & Wells, 1995).

4. Reach Out to Someone (10 min)

Text someone and say: “Can I share something I’ve been thinking about?”
Even one real connection a day can reduce loneliness and build self-worth (APA, 2019).

5. Take a Quiet Walk Alone (15 min)

Leave your phone. Pay attention to your steps, your breath, and your surroundings.
This helps you feel grounded and notice your own presence—a key part of developing identity.

6. Affirm What You Value (5 min)

Write one sentence each day:
“Today, I lived out my value of ____ by doing ____.”
Living by your values gives your life direction—and boosts your self-trust (Creswell et al., 2005).

You’re Not a Problem to Fix—You’re a Person to Care For

Healing doesn’t mean becoming a “perfect” person. It means becoming a person who can say, “I’m allowed to take up space.”

You are not broken—you’re becoming.

References

American Psychological Association. (2019). Relationships and self-esteem: How they grow together. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/09/relationships-self-esteem

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483

Campbell, J. D., Trapnell, P. D., Heine, S. J., Katz, I. M., Lavallee, L. F., & Lehman, D. R. (2003). Self-concept clarity: Measurement, personality correlates, and cultural boundaries. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(5), 895–908. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.5.895

Clark, D. M., & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R.G. Heimberg et al. (Eds.), Social phobia: Diagnosis, assessment, and treatment (pp. 69–93). Guilford Press.

Creswell, J. D., et al. (2005). Affirmation of personal values buffers neuroendocrine and psychological stress responses. Psychological Science, 16(11), 846–851. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2005.01624.x

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery. Basic Books.

Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77(1), 23–50. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2008.00537.x

You Are Enough: Understanding Self-Worth and Finding Fulfillment

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, it’s just not enough? Maybe you’ve thought, “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not successful enough,” or “I’m not good enough for others.” You’re not alone. Many people experience these thoughts, often without realizing how much they affect their happiness and mental well-being.

Psychologists have studied this issue for years and found that feeling “enough” is not about how much you achieve but rather about how you see yourself. Research in positive psychology, mental health, and counseling psychology shows that self-worth is something we can nurture and grow—and it doesn’t depend on being perfect (Seligman, 2019).

Why Do We Feel “Not Enough”?

There are many reasons people feel like they don’t measure up. Some of the most common include:

1. Comparing Ourselves to Others

Social media makes it easy to compare our lives to others. We see people traveling the world, getting promotions, or looking flawless in photos. It’s easy to think, “Why don’t I have that?” or “I must be doing something wrong.” But the truth is, social media only shows the highlights, not the struggles (Cain et al., 2008).

2. Society’s Expectations

We live in a world that constantly tells us we need more—more success, more beauty, more accomplishments. Advertisements, movies, and even well-meaning family members can make us feel like we aren’t doing enough to be happy. But studies show that chasing perfection often leads to anxiety and burnout rather than true fulfillment (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

3. Childhood Experiences

The way we were raised also plays a role in our self-worth. If we grew up in an environment where we felt criticized or unappreciated, we might carry those feelings into adulthood (Emde, 1981). The good news? We can rewire our thinking and develop a healthier sense of self.

What Psychology Says About Being “Enough”

So, how can we break free from these negative thoughts? Research in psychology has identified a few key ideas that help people build confidence and feel more fulfilled.

1. Focus on What Really Matters

Dr. Martin Seligman, a leading psychologist, developed the PERMA Model to explain what truly brings happiness (Seligman, 2019). According to this model, fulfillment comes from:

Positive emotions – Finding joy in small moments.
Engagement – Doing activities that make you lose track of time.
Relationships – Spending time with people who care about you.
Meaning – Having a sense of purpose.
Accomplishment – Setting goals that matter to you.

This model shows that happiness doesn’t come from being perfect—it comes from living a life that feels meaningful to you.

2. Stop the Negative Self-Talk

Many of us have an inner voice that constantly says, “You’re not good enough.” But what if we challenged that voice? Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) teaches people to replace negative thoughts with realistic, supportive ones (Kazdin, 2000).

For example, instead of thinking, “I’ll never be successful,” try:
“I am learning and growing every day.”

Instead of “I’m not attractive enough,” try:
“I am unique, and my worth isn’t based on my looks.”

These small shifts in thinking can have a huge impact on self-confidence.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff (2011) studied self-compassion, which means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend. Instead of being harsh on yourself for making mistakes, try saying, “It’s okay. Everyone struggles sometimes.”

Research shows that self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression while increasing happiness. So, the next time you’re feeling down, talk to yourself like you would talk to a loved one.

Simple Ways to Feel “Enough” Every Day

If you struggle with feelings of inadequacy, here are some practical ways to start building self-worth:

1. Write Down Your Strengths

Each day, write down three things you like about yourself—it could be your kindness, humor, or creativity. Over time, this helps train your brain to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

2. Limit Social Media Use

Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. Instead, follow pages that inspire and uplift you.

3. Spend Time with Supportive People

Surround yourself with friends and family who appreciate you for who you are, not for what you achieve.

4. Set Realistic Goals

Instead of pressuring yourself to be perfect, set small, achievable goals. Celebrate progress, not just results.

5. Practice Gratitude

Take a moment each day to appreciate what you have. Gratitude shifts your focus from what’s missing to what’s already good in your life.

Final Thoughts: You Are Already Enough

You don’t need to be richer, thinner, or more successful to be worthy. Your value isn’t based on how much you accomplish or how perfect you appear to others. You are enough—just as you are.

Science shows that true happiness doesn’t come from external achievements but from how we see ourselves and how we live our lives. By practicing self-compassion, changing negative thoughts, and focusing on what truly matters, you can start embracing your worth.

So, the next time you doubt yourself, remember: You are already enough.

References

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638-656.
Emde, R. N. (1981). Mother’s presence is not enough: Effect of emotional availability on infant exploration. Developmental Psychology, 17(3), 292-293.
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment. American Psychological Association.
Kazdin, A. E. (2000). Encyclopedia of psychology. American Psychological Association.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2019). Positive psychology: A personal history. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 15, 1-23.
Seligman, M. E. P., & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology: An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1), 5-14.

Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

When we face stress or danger, our body reacts instinctively to protect us. These responses—known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are the brain’s way of helping us survive. Each response serves a purpose, but they can also activate in non-life-threatening situations, like during arguments or overwhelming tasks.

Fight: You feel the urge to confront the situation directly, whether through verbal or physical defense. This response comes with increased adrenaline and energy.
Flight: You want to escape or avoid the source of stress. This could mean physically leaving or mentally withdrawing from the situation.
Freeze: Your body becomes paralyzed, unable to react. This happens when the brain decides staying still might keep you safe.
Fawn: You aim to please or placate others to diffuse tension. This often involves putting others’ needs above your own.

While these responses are natural, overreliance on one can lead to challenges in everyday life. Understanding your reactions is the first step toward managing stress.

Tips to Manage Stress and Regain Control:

Breathe Deeply: Practice slow, deep breathing to calm your nervous system. Try inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, and exhaling for 4 seconds.
Ground Yourself: Use grounding techniques like the “5-4-3-2-1” method—name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste.
Move Your Body: Physical activity, even a short walk, can help release pent-up tension and improve mood.
Journal Your Feelings: Writing down your thoughts can help you process emotions and identify triggers.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and seek support when needed.

Mindful Year-End Reflections and Setting Intentions

As the year draws to a close, it presents a natural opportunity for self-reflection, gratitude, and the setting of meaningful intentions for the year ahead. Engaging in mindful practices, such as gratitude journaling and self-reflective exercises, has been shown to enhance emotional well-being, foster resilience, and improve overall mental health (Emmons & Stern, 2013). This article explores the benefits of these practices, grounded in current literature, and offers actionable recommendations for incorporating them into daily life.

The Psychological Benefits of Reflection and Gratitude

Reflective practices help individuals process their experiences, make sense of challenges, and extract valuable lessons. Gratitude journaling, specifically, has been highlighted in multiple studies as a potent tool for improving mental health by shifting focus toward positive experiences. Emmons and Stern (2013) found that gratitude interventions significantly increase life satisfaction and decrease depressive symptoms. Similarly, Flinchbaugh et al. (2012) demonstrated that students who engaged in gratitude journaling experienced improved mood and reduced stress, underscoring its potential as a resilience-building practice.

Reflection also provides a structured way to evaluate personal growth and identify areas for improvement. Cheng et al. (2015) examined healthcare practitioners and found that combining reflection with gratitude interventions improved their emotional regulation and reduced burnout, even in high-stress environments.

Mindfulness: A Gateway to Intentional Living

Mindfulness complements reflection by anchoring individuals in the present moment, encouraging intentionality. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions enhance the benefits of reflection by fostering a non-judgmental awareness of one’s thoughts and emotions (Langan & Keppen, 2022). When combined with reflective practices, mindfulness can amplify self-awareness and promote goal alignment.

Chlebak (2013) explored the effects of gratitude journaling on graduate students and found that pairing mindfulness exercises with reflective journaling created a synergistic effect, boosting participants’ mental clarity and emotional well-being.

Practical Strategies for Year-End Reflection and Goal Setting

Start a Gratitude Journal
Dedicate time daily to list three things you are grateful for. This practice shifts focus from stressors to positives, fostering a sense of abundance.
Engage in Guided Reflection
Use prompts such as “What was my biggest lesson this year?” or “What brought me the most joy?” to structure your thoughts. Journaling tools or guided apps can facilitate this process.
Set SMART Goals with Intentions
Combine reflections with future planning. For example, “In 2024, I will dedicate 15 minutes daily to mindfulness meditation to improve my focus and reduce stress.”
Practice Self-Compassion
Reflect on challenges with kindness. Recognize your efforts and avoid harsh self-criticism. Studies suggest self-compassion significantly boosts resilience and reduces anxiety (Cheng et al., 2015).
Combine Mindfulness with Reflection
Spend 5-10 minutes in meditation before journaling to center your thoughts and enhance the quality of your reflections.

Recommendations for Implementation

Consistency is Key: Aim to reflect and journal at least three times per week.
Incorporate Technology: Use mindfulness and journaling apps such as Headspace or Day One for guided sessions.
Seek Support: Join workshops or groups focused on reflective practices to build accountability.
Start Small: Begin with short, manageable practices (e.g., a three-line gratitude journal) to build a sustainable habit.

Mindful reflection and gratitude journaling are powerful tools for closing the year with clarity and optimism. Backed by evidence, these practices enhance emotional well-being, reduce stress, and foster intentionality in setting goals for the future. As you embark on this journey, remember that even small, consistent steps can create profound impacts on your mental health.

References

Cheng, S. T., Tsui, P. K., & Lam, J. H. M. (2015). Improving mental health in healthcare practitioners: Randomized controlled trial of a gratitude intervention. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Retrieved from APA PsycNet

Chlebak, C. M. (2013). Graduate counselling psychology students’ experiences of mindfulness meditation and gratitude journaling. University of British Columbia Library. Retrieved from UBC Library

Emmons, R. A., & Stern, R. (2013). Gratitude as a psychotherapeutic intervention. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 846–855. Retrieved from Wiley Online Library

Flinchbaugh, C. L., Moore, E. W. G., & Chang, Y. K. (2012). Student well-being interventions: The effects of stress management techniques and gratitude journaling. Journal of Management Education, 36(2), 191-219. Retrieved from SAGE Journals

Langan, B. M., & Keppen, K. (2022). Reflective journaling intervention to impact self-awareness, professional health, and overall well-being in nurses. Digital Commons at UNMC. Retrieved from Digital Commons

Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering is a Choice

We inevitably encounter painful experiences in life—breakups, humiliation, rejection, failure, and various stressors that challenge our mental and emotional well-being. These events can be understood as emotional or psychological pain, similar to the way physical injuries or diseases cause pain or discomfort to our bodies. Just as physical pain is a natural response to injury, emotional pain is a response to the mental and emotional “injuries” we face. However, while physical pain tends to subside with time or treatment, emotional pain may linger, even after the original cause has passed.

The key distinction I argue in this philosophy is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the initial emotional response to life’s inevitable hardships. It is unavoidable, much like the pain of a physical injury. But suffering—the prolonged and often deepened emotional distress we experience long after the event—is something we contribute to and, to a degree, choose.

Let’s consider physical pain as a metaphor. When you suffer an injury, the body’s natural healing processes often take over. A cut heals, a bruise fades, and with proper care, most physical wounds resolve. While the pain of the injury can be intense, it is typically temporary. Likewise, emotional pain from rejection, failure, or humiliation also has a natural course. Initially, it hurts, but in many cases, it, too, can fade over time, especially when we allow ourselves to process it healthily.

However, unlike physical pain, emotional pain can evolve into something more persistent—suffering. Suffering is what happens when we continue to hold on to the pain through the narratives we create in our minds. These narratives often revolve around self-blame, shame, and negative self-evaluation. We begin to revisit the painful experience repeatedly, analyzing it, assigning personal fault, and questioning our self-worth. Over time, this pattern transforms the pain into suffering.

The original emotional pain—the rejection, the failure—has ended. What sustains the suffering now is not the event itself, but the stories we tell ourselves about that event. For example, after a rejection, we might internalize the belief, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll always fail.” This self-blame and shame become a feedback loop, feeding the suffering and allowing it to persist far beyond the original pain.

Below is an excerpt of the therapy session I had to illustrate one example of how I applied this philosophy.

Brandi: I kind of lose control when things get off track. Over the weekend, my friend was celebrating her 30th birthday. I wasn’t going to go because of my upcoming surgery, but then I changed my mind. I wanted to be there for her since I heard she was upset that people were dropping out. So I went, even though I was worried about getting sick. And indeed, I believe I caught COVID from being there. I was really kicking myself for it—blaming myself. I should’ve been more careful since I knew surgery was coming up. But my first instinct was to take care of others. I didn’t think about isolating or protecting myself.

Dr. Ferrer: Many people, including you, go to that place of self-blame. The difference is, for you, it’s harder to get out of that loop. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. The pain there, of course, is the disappointment that your surgery is canceled because you need to be well to undergo the procedure. However, you stay in the suffering longer than necessary. That is, creating a narrative that shames you.

Brandi: Yeah, it’s like a Buddhist principle. I get stuck in it, even though I know logically there’s nothing I can do about it now. It already happened. There’s another surgery date, but I keep wallowing in the “I should’ve done this differently” mindset.

Dr. Ferrer: Think about how you treat your own kids when they’re in pain. Do you immediately tell them, “See, I told you so.” Of course not. There’s no difference in how you should treat yourself. You can give that same care to yourself, but instead, you revert to shame and blame. Pain is already that feeling let down when you realize that taking care of your friend by being present in her celebration may have caused you to catch a virus. It is something you cannot change anymore. But by responding to that pain with the negative narrative is that suffering you are choosing.

Brandi: It’s easy to tell myself I’m a failure. I beat myself up. I forgot to take care of myself when I should’ve. It’s simply hard to just stay in pain and not suffering. I was crying hard that Monday, and my partner didn’t know how to help. I think she was trying by keeping her distance because I was irritable, which is also a trigger for her. I was upset with myself, feeling like a failure for not thinking about protecting myself before the surgery.

Dr. Ferrer: And that’s where the spiral starts.

Brandi: Exactly. Then my daughter came downstairs and saw me crying. She was supposed to watch a movie, but my partner told her I wasn’t up for it. She got upset. I felt like I had to pull myself together because she needed me. So, I went to the bathroom, blew my nose, and told myself, “You have to get up. She’s a kid, she needs help.”

I took a walk with the dog, trying to comfort myself. But it felt like a battle—the mental loop was still there.

Dr. Ferrer: I hear you. And yet, you found a way to comfort yourself. That’s important. You recognized you needed to carry on, even though you were still in pain. In a way, you dealt with the pain but chose not to suffer by doing your best.

Brandi: Yeah, I told my partner what was going on in my head. I explained that when things like this happen, I spiral and beat myself up. But even though I was still struggling, I could see the loop and work through it.

Dr. Ferrer: You’re recognizing it now, which is a big step. The fact that you didn’t get stuck in the negative loop as long as you used to previously is progress. You’re shortening the duration of those spirals.

Brandi: Yeah, I can see that. It took a while, but I managed to pull myself out of it faster than I would’ve in the past. The next day, I called the surgeon’s office, and they postponed the surgery for 30 days. I felt nervous, but I answered the call, which felt like a victory in itself.

In essence, while pain is an inevitable part of life, suffering is something we often create and sustain through our own narratives of self-blame and shame. The distinction lies in our response: while pain arises naturally from difficult experiences, suffering is the result of holding on to and feeding that pain with negative thoughts. By recognizing this, we can choose to let go of the stories that perpetuate suffering and allow ourselves to heal emotionally, just as our bodies naturally heal from physical wounds. Ultimately, though we cannot avoid pain, we can decide whether or not to suffer.

Tag: Self-Compassion

Why Self-Compassion Feels So Difficult

References

When the Seasons Affect Our Mood: Understanding Winter Changes

In the past two weeks, a couple of patients told me something similar: their mood felt “off,” even though nothing stressful was happening in their lives.