DR. Rizaldy R. Ferrer, PHD

Licensed Psychologist | Online psychological services available across participating PSYPACT states

Tag: Personal Growth

Waiting at the Wrong Door

When Fixing Keeps You From Creating

Trevor had spent several therapy sessions trying to understand his parents.

The stories were different each week, but the questions were remarkably similar. Why were they so emotionally distant? Why did they seem incapable of showing interest in his life? Why, after decades of disappointment, did he still find himself hoping that this time they might respond differently?

He wasn’t asking these questions out of anger. If anything, they came from a place of longing. Like many people, Trevor wasn’t looking for perfect parents. He simply wanted to feel known, valued, and genuinely cared for.

As I listened that day, I realized we had reached a point where understanding his parents was no longer moving the therapy forward. We knew who they were. We knew what they had consistently shown him throughout his life. The question that remained wasn’t really about them anymore.

So I asked him something different.

“What do you hope to gain from understanding all of this?”

He paused before answering.

He explained that he was trying to decide what to do about his relationship with them. After years of estrangement, he had reached out, hoping that perhaps things would finally be different. Instead, he experienced what he had always experienced. They responded politely but rarely initiated contact. They acknowledged him, but never seemed curious about his life. Finally, he said something that seemed so simple, yet carried decades of disappointment.

“I just want them to be normal parents.”

That sentence stayed with me.

Most people are not asking for extraordinary parents. They are asking for ordinary moments—someone who checks in, someone who asks how they’re doing, someone who notices they exist.

I gently reflected something back to him.

“It sounds like you’re still hoping they’ll become the parents they’ve never shown themselves to be.”

He nodded.

Carl Rogers (1961) described the tension between our ideals and reality. We naturally develop ideas about how relationships should be, yet emotional suffering often grows when we continue measuring reality against an image that has never truly existed. Trevor’s longing wasn’t irrational. It was deeply human. The difficulty was that he continued placing his hope in two people who had consistently shown him their limitations.

At that point, I thought we were talking about acceptance.

I was wrong.

Then Trevor quietly said something that changed the direction of the entire session.

“It’s all the family I have.”

In that moment, I realized something neither of us had fully recognized.

Trevor hadn’t come to therapy with the problem.

He had come with his explanation of the problem.

He believed his struggle was understanding his parents. But another question had been quietly waiting underneath that one all along.

As we continued talking, he admitted something he had never said quite so clearly before. Outside of his wife, he didn’t have many close relationships. He worked in an executive role that required him to interact with people every day. Leading meetings, collaborating with colleagues, and communicating with confidence were all part of his job, and he did them well. But despite his social proficiencies at work, he had not built personal relationships.

When I asked him why, his answer came almost immediately.

“I’ve been scared of rejection.”

That made complete sense.

If the first people we depend on repeatedly leave us feeling unseen, it is understandable that we begin expecting the same from everyone else. Attachment researchers have long described how early relationships influence our expectations of closeness, trust, and emotional safety throughout adulthood (Bowlby, 1988).

But then another realization slowly emerged.

Trevor had spent years answering one question while another question quietly waited underneath it.

He had devoted enormous emotional energy trying to repair one relationship. Meanwhile, he had never learned how to create the kinds of relationships he deeply wanted today.

So I asked him another question.

“What if what you’re really needing isn’t necessarily them?”

He became quiet.

Then he said something that, to me, became the real beginning of therapy.

“I don’t know how.”

Not how to understand his parents.

Not how to fix them.

He didn’t know how to build meaningful relationships.

That was the hidden agenda beneath every previous session.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy encourages us to distinguish between trying to eliminate pain and building a meaningful life alongside it (Hayes et al., 1999). Those are often very different pursuits. Sometimes we become so occupied repairing what hurt us that we never begin creating what could heal us.

This has become one of my own guiding philosophies, both personally and professionally.

Create rather than fix.

Fixing asks, How do I make this broken thing finally work?

Creating asks, What can I begin building today?

There are certainly relationships worth repairing. Some conversations restore trust. Some wounds genuinely heal together. But there are also moments when we spend years standing in front of the same closed door, hoping that one more knock will finally make someone answer.

All the while, countless other doors remain unopened.

Near the end of our conversation, I asked Trevor “So, when do you think you might begin creating instead of continuing to fix.”

He smiled nervously before giving one of the most honest answers that actually made me so sad.

“You asking me right now just made me want to run and hide.”

There was no attempt to sound insightful. No polished conclusion. Just honesty.

Ironically, that gave me hope.

Fear often tells us exactly where growth is waiting.

By the end of the session, we were no longer talking about changing his parents. We were talking about learning a skill he had never been taught—how to slowly build friendships, tolerate vulnerability, maintain relationships over time, and accept that meaningful connection is not something we find all at once. It is something we create, one conversation, one invitation, one act of courage at a time.

I suspect many of us do some version of this.

We keep trying to repair the career that disappointed us instead of creating one that fits us better.

We keep waiting for an apology that may never come instead of building peace without it.

We keep hoping someone else will finally become who we have always needed instead of asking what kind of life we can begin creating today.

Perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is not,

“How do I fix what was broken?”

Perhaps the better question is,

“What have I not yet begun to create?”

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

Why Growth Often Feels Invisible

Many people expect growth to feel dramatic. We imagine confidence arriving all at once or healing appearing as a clear turning point. In reality, psychological growth is often gradual and difficult to notice while it’s happening.

Research on learning and behavior change suggests that improvement tends to occur through repeated experiences and small adjustments over time rather than sudden transformation (Prochaska & Velicer, 1997). Because these changes happen incrementally, our brains often adapt to them quickly and stop noticing them.

This is similar to how we rarely notice a child growing taller from one day to the next. Growth becomes visible only when we compare the present to a more distant past. Emotional growth works much the same way. Becoming more patient, resilient, or self-aware often happens beneath the surface long before we recognize it consciously.

One way to support this process is to periodically reflect on where you were six months or a year ago. Looking back can reveal progress that daily life tends to hide.

References

Prochaska, J. O., & Velicer, W. F. (1997). The transtheoretical model of health behavior change. American Journal of Health Promotion, 12(1), 38–48.

Why Self-Compassion Feels So Difficult

Many people find it easier to be compassionate toward others than toward themselves. A person may comfort a struggling friend with patience and understanding, yet respond to their own mistakes with harsh criticism. This pattern is so common that many individuals mistake self-criticism for responsibility or motivation, believing that being hard on themselves will push them to improve.

Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as treating yourself with the same care, understanding, and humanity you would offer someone you love (Neff, 2003). Self-compassion does not mean avoiding accountability or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it involves recognizing that mistakes, setbacks, and emotional pain are part of being human. Research shows that people with higher levels of self-compassion tend to experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and burnout while also demonstrating greater emotional resilience (Neff & Germer, 2013).

One reason self-compassion can feel uncomfortable is because many people associate softness with weakness. In cultures that emphasize productivity and achievement, gentleness toward oneself may feel undeserved unless it has been “earned” through success. However, studies suggest that chronic self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system, increasing stress responses and emotional exhaustion over time (Gilbert, 2009). Compassion, in contrast, helps activate systems associated with safety, emotional regulation, and connection.

Learning self-compassion often begins with small shifts in language. Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” after a mistake, a person might ask, “What do I need right now?” Instead of assuming failure means inadequacy, they might recognize that struggling is part of growth. Self-compassion does not remove challenges from life, but it changes the emotional environment in which those challenges are faced. And sometimes, that softer environment is exactly what allows healing to begin.

 

References

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

The Wins We Often Miss

Most of us move through the day with a quiet mental checklist. There are emails to answer, errands to run, responsibilities to meet, and expectations—both our own and others’—that we try to keep up with. By the end of the day, when we pause to evaluate how things went, our attention often goes straight to what remains unfinished.

What we didn’t do.
What we could have done better.
What still needs fixing tomorrow.

But rarely do we stop to ask a different question:
What actually went right today?

The Wins That Go Unnoticed

In everyday life, progress is often subtle. It might look like responding calmly during a stressful conversation, completing a task you had been putting off, or simply choosing to rest when you needed it.

These moments may feel ordinary, but they represent small decisions that move us forward. Yet many of them pass unnoticed because our attention is naturally drawn to problems that still need solving.

Psychologists refer to this tendency as the negativity bias—the brain’s inclination to give greater attention and weight to negative experiences than positive ones (Baumeister et al., 2001; Rozin & Royzman, 2001). From an evolutionary perspective, this bias helped humans remain alert to potential threats. In modern life, however, it can lead us to overlook the many things that are quietly going well.

Why Small Wins Matter in Daily Life

Small wins are not always dramatic or impressive. In fact, their importance often lies in their simplicity. They are the moments where effort meets intention, even if the outcome seems modest.

Finishing a short task.
Showing patience during a difficult moment.
Taking one step toward something you care about.

These actions may not feel like milestones, but they are signs of movement.

Research on motivation suggests that recognizing progress—even incremental progress—can strengthen engagement and positive emotion in everyday work and life (Amabile & Kramer, 2011). When people notice that their actions are moving them forward, they are more likely to remain committed and continue making effort.

Learning to Notice Progress

One of the most helpful habits we can develop is simply learning to notice the progress that already exists.

At the end of the day, instead of asking only what remains undone, try asking yourself:

“What was one thing I handled well today?”

The answer may be small. But recognizing it allows the mind to register progress rather than focusing only on pressure.

Life rarely changes all at once. More often, it unfolds through a series of ordinary choices repeated over time.

And sometimes the most meaningful wins are the ones we almost miss.

References

Amabile, T. M., & Kramer, S. J. (2011). The progress principle: Using small wins to ignite joy, engagement, and creativity at work. Harvard Business Review Press.

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323

Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0504_2

Why Small Progress Feels So Powerful

Our brains are wired to respond strongly to progress. Neuroscience research suggests that when we experience forward movement toward a goal—even in tiny increments—the brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with motivation, learning, and reward (Schultz, 2016). This chemical signal helps the brain register that an action was worthwhile, increasing the likelihood that we will repeat the behavior again.

This is why small wins matter. Each completed step sends a message to the brain that effort leads to a positive outcome, reinforcing persistence and encouraging continued action. In contrast, when goals appear too large or distant, the brain struggles to detect meaningful progress. Without visible signs of movement, motivation can fade, and even capable individuals may begin to feel stuck or discouraged.

Psychologists Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer describe this phenomenon as the “Progress Principle.” Through their research, they found that making progress in meaningful work—even small, incremental progress—was one of the strongest contributors to positive emotions, engagement, and productivity in daily life (Amabile & Kramer, 2011). When people recognize that they are moving forward, they are more likely to remain committed and energized.

Instead of waiting for a dramatic breakthrough, it can be more helpful to focus on consistent, manageable actions. Small progress builds confidence, strengthens habits, and gradually creates momentum. Over time, these small steps accumulate, turning modest efforts into meaningful change. What may seem like a minor step today can become the foundation for much larger growth tomorrow.

References

Amabile, T. M., & Kramer, S. J. (2011). The progress principle: Using small wins to ignite joy, engagement, and creativity at work. Harvard Business Review Press.

Schultz, W. (2016). Dopamine reward prediction error coding. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 18(1), 23–32.

New Years Resolution

Wait, Scratch That!

Every year, millions of people make New Year’s resolutions, hoping that January 1 will mark a dramatic shift in their habits, mindset, or circumstances. The idea seems appealing: a fresh start, a blank slate. But is this approach truly effective, or is it setting us up for disappointment?

The Overrated Concept of New Year’s Resolutions

Let’s start with the reality of time. There is no magical difference between December 31 and January 1. These are simply consecutive days, like any others. Yet, society has elevated this transition into an annual checkpoint for self-improvement. While the intention is admirable, research has shown mixed results on the effectiveness of resolutions.

A study by Norcross et al. (2002) found that about 46% of people who make resolutions are still on track after six months. While this shows some promise, it also means more than half have fallen off course. Other research highlights the problem of unrealistic expectations—people often set overly ambitious goals that become overwhelming or disheartening when progress is slow (Oscarsson et al., 2020).

Behavioral science suggests that meaningful change is rarely instantaneous. It’s not the calendar date that matters but the consistency and small, intentional steps taken over time. This aligns with what I’ve termed the “1 Degree Shift”—the idea that tiny, incremental changes can lead to substantial long-term results. Just as a plane adjusts its course by a single degree to reach a far-off destination, we can achieve personal growth through small, consistent actions.

Why Resolutions Often Fail

One reason resolutions falter is disappointment. When people set lofty goals and fail to meet them quickly, they often abandon their efforts entirely. The mindset of “all or nothing” can become a significant barrier to progress.

Another common obstacle is unrealistic expectations. Many people imagine dramatic outcomes—losing 50 pounds in a few months, mastering a new skill overnight, or completely transforming their lives. When reality doesn’t align with these expectations, motivation wanes.

Instead of treating intentions like investments waiting for a return, consider engaging in habits where the process itself is the reward. For example, if you resolve to exercise, enjoy the way movement makes you feel in the moment rather than fixating on a distant goal weight. Recognize that the change is already happening as you take each step.

Examples of Resolutions That Can Start Anytime

To illustrate this point, here are common resolutions and how they can be initiated at any time:

  1. Exercise More – Start by walking for 10 minutes today, wherever you are.
  2. Eat Healthier – Add a serving of vegetables to one meal, starting now.
  3. Learn a New Skill – Spend five minutes researching an online course or picking up a beginner’s guide.
  4. Save Money – Skip a non-essential purchase today and put the money into savings.
  5. Be More Mindful – Take a deep breath and spend one minute observing your surroundings.

None of these require waiting for January 1. The best time to start is always “now.”

Actionable Steps for Long-Term Growth

  1. Focus on One Small Change: Identify a single habit you want to improve and make a manageable adjustment. For example, if you want to read more, aim for one page a day instead of a book a week.
  2. Track Your Progress: Use a journal or app to log your efforts. Seeing consistent progress, even if it’s small, can be incredibly motivating.
  3. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge every step forward. Success builds momentum, no matter how minor it may seem.
  4. Reframe Setbacks: Treat missteps as learning opportunities rather than failures. What can you adjust to make success more likely next time?
  5. Start With What You Have: Don’t wait for perfect conditions. Use the resources and time available to you now.

Final Note

While the tradition of New Year’s resolutions can inspire change, it’s not the only way—or even the best way—to grow. True transformation happens through small, consistent efforts that build over time. The “1 Degree Shift” reminds us that even minor adjustments can lead to significant results.

So, if you’re reading this on January 8, April 3, or any other day, take this as your “now.” The journey toward a better version of yourself doesn’t require a calendar date. All it needs is a single, intentional step forward.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

References

Norcross, J. C., Mrykalo, M. S., & Blagys, M. D. (2002). Auld lang syne: Success predictors, change processes, and self-reported outcomes of New Year’s resolvers and nonresolvers. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(4), 397-405. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.1151

Oscarsson, M., Carlbring, P., Andersson, G., & Rozental, A. (2020). New Year’s resolutions: A large-scale randomized controlled trial. PLOS ONE, 15(12), e0234097. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0234097

Mindful Year-End Reflections and Setting Intentions

As the year draws to a close, it presents a natural opportunity for self-reflection, gratitude, and the setting of meaningful intentions for the year ahead. Engaging in mindful practices, such as gratitude journaling and self-reflective exercises, has been shown to enhance emotional well-being, foster resilience, and improve overall mental health (Emmons & Stern, 2013). This article explores the benefits of these practices, grounded in current literature, and offers actionable recommendations for incorporating them into daily life.

The Psychological Benefits of Reflection and Gratitude

Reflective practices help individuals process their experiences, make sense of challenges, and extract valuable lessons. Gratitude journaling, specifically, has been highlighted in multiple studies as a potent tool for improving mental health by shifting focus toward positive experiences. Emmons and Stern (2013) found that gratitude interventions significantly increase life satisfaction and decrease depressive symptoms. Similarly, Flinchbaugh et al. (2012) demonstrated that students who engaged in gratitude journaling experienced improved mood and reduced stress, underscoring its potential as a resilience-building practice.

Reflection also provides a structured way to evaluate personal growth and identify areas for improvement. Cheng et al. (2015) examined healthcare practitioners and found that combining reflection with gratitude interventions improved their emotional regulation and reduced burnout, even in high-stress environments.

Mindfulness: A Gateway to Intentional Living

Mindfulness complements reflection by anchoring individuals in the present moment, encouraging intentionality. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions enhance the benefits of reflection by fostering a non-judgmental awareness of one’s thoughts and emotions (Langan & Keppen, 2022). When combined with reflective practices, mindfulness can amplify self-awareness and promote goal alignment.

Chlebak (2013) explored the effects of gratitude journaling on graduate students and found that pairing mindfulness exercises with reflective journaling created a synergistic effect, boosting participants’ mental clarity and emotional well-being.

Practical Strategies for Year-End Reflection and Goal Setting

  1. Start a Gratitude Journal
    Dedicate time daily to list three things you are grateful for. This practice shifts focus from stressors to positives, fostering a sense of abundance.
  2. Engage in Guided Reflection
    Use prompts such as “What was my biggest lesson this year?” or “What brought me the most joy?” to structure your thoughts. Journaling tools or guided apps can facilitate this process.
  3. Set SMART Goals with Intentions
    Combine reflections with future planning. For example, “In 2024, I will dedicate 15 minutes daily to mindfulness meditation to improve my focus and reduce stress.”
  4. Practice Self-Compassion
    Reflect on challenges with kindness. Recognize your efforts and avoid harsh self-criticism. Studies suggest self-compassion significantly boosts resilience and reduces anxiety (Cheng et al., 2015).
  5. Combine Mindfulness with Reflection
    Spend 5-10 minutes in meditation before journaling to center your thoughts and enhance the quality of your reflections.

Recommendations for Implementation

  • Consistency is Key: Aim to reflect and journal at least three times per week.
  • Incorporate Technology: Use mindfulness and journaling apps such as Headspace or Day One for guided sessions.
  • Seek Support: Join workshops or groups focused on reflective practices to build accountability.
  • Start Small: Begin with short, manageable practices (e.g., a three-line gratitude journal) to build a sustainable habit.

Mindful reflection and gratitude journaling are powerful tools for closing the year with clarity and optimism. Backed by evidence, these practices enhance emotional well-being, reduce stress, and foster intentionality in setting goals for the future. As you embark on this journey, remember that even small, consistent steps can create profound impacts on your mental health.

References

Cheng, S. T., Tsui, P. K., & Lam, J. H. M. (2015). Improving mental health in healthcare practitioners: Randomized controlled trial of a gratitude intervention. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Retrieved from APA PsycNet

Chlebak, C. M. (2013). Graduate counselling psychology students’ experiences of mindfulness meditation and gratitude journaling. University of British Columbia Library. Retrieved from UBC Library

Emmons, R. A., & Stern, R. (2013). Gratitude as a psychotherapeutic intervention. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 846–855. Retrieved from Wiley Online Library

Flinchbaugh, C. L., Moore, E. W. G., & Chang, Y. K. (2012). Student well-being interventions: The effects of stress management techniques and gratitude journaling. Journal of Management Education, 36(2), 191-219. Retrieved from SAGE Journals

Langan, B. M., & Keppen, K. (2022). Reflective journaling intervention to impact self-awareness, professional health, and overall well-being in nurses. Digital Commons at UNMC. Retrieved from Digital Commons

1° Shift

Academic Article: The Power of Small Shifts in Personal Growth

Personal growth and development are often perceived as monumental tasks requiring significant effort and dramatic changes. However, much like the flight path of an airplane, a single adjustment can lead to substantial long-term changes. This is philosophy I call, 1° Shift.

The concept of making a 1° shift is a powerful metaphor for incremental progress. In aviation, even a small change in a plane’s trajectory can result in a substantial shift over time. If a plane alters its course by just 1°, the change may seem negligible at first. However, as the plane continues on this new trajectory, the difference after some time is no longer just one degree. Over a long distance, this small change can result in a significant deviation from the original path, potentially leading the plane to an entirely different destination.

This metaphor can be applied to personal development. One single action, but consistent adjustment in our behaviors, habits, or mindset can compound over time, leading to significant transformation. The key is consistency, persistence and the understanding that growth is a gradual process. As James Clear discusses in Atomic Habits, the power of tiny gains is profound: a 1% improvement each day results in a 37.78 times better outcome over a year (Clear, 2018). This principle underscores the importance of small, consistent actions in achieving long-term success.

The Physics Behind Small Changes Leading to Big Results

In physics, the concept of small changes leading to large outcomes can be illustrated through the principle of angular displacement. When an object rotates or changes direction, even a small angular change can result in a significant positional difference over time. This principle is particularly evident in projectile motion, where a slight change in the launch angle results in a vastly different trajectory and impact point.

This physical principle mirrors the concept of incremental change in personal development. Just as a small change in angle can alter the path of a projectile, a small change in behavior or attitude can lead to a significantly different life outcome. The cumulative effect of these small changes over time is what drives substantial personal growth.

Literature Supporting Incremental Change

The idea that small, consistent efforts can lead to significant outcomes is well-supported in the literature on personal development and behavioral psychology. In his book The Slight Edge, Jeff Olson (2005) argues that the small choices we make every day, when compounded over time, determine the quality of our lives. Olson emphasizes that success is not the result of a single, monumental effort but rather the accumulation of small, seemingly insignificant actions repeated consistently over time.

Similarly, in The Compound Effect, Darren Hardy (2010) highlights how small, daily disciplines lead to life-altering outcomes. Hardy explains that the compound effect is the principle of reaping huge rewards from a series of small, smart choices. These choices are so subtle that they may not even be noticeable, but over time, they can lead to significant results.

Conclusion

It only takes 1° to shift farther on your journey. It is a powerful reminder of the impact of a single repeated action leading to long-term development. Just as a plane can alter its destination with a slight shift in direction, we can enrich our lives by starting to make a small, consistent adjustment in our daily habits, mindset, and actions. Supported by principles in physics and behavioral science, this approach to personal growth emphasizes the importance of persistence, consistency, and the understanding that significant change is often the result of small, incremental steps.

References

Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery.

Olson, J. (2005). The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines into Massive Success and Happiness. Greenleaf Book Group Press.

Hardy, D. (2010). The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success. Success Books.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering is a Choice

We inevitably encounter painful experiences in life—breakups, humiliation, rejection, failure, and various stressors that challenge our mental and emotional well-being. These events can be understood as emotional or psychological pain, similar to the way physical injuries or diseases cause pain or discomfort to our bodies. Just as physical pain is a natural response to injury, emotional pain is a response to the mental and emotional “injuries” we face. However, while physical pain tends to subside with time or treatment, emotional pain may linger, even after the original cause has passed.

The key distinction I argue in this philosophy is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the initial emotional response to life’s inevitable hardships. It is unavoidable, much like the pain of a physical injury. But suffering—the prolonged and often deepened emotional distress we experience long after the event—is something we contribute to and, to a degree, choose.

Let’s consider physical pain as a metaphor. When you suffer an injury, the body’s natural healing processes often take over. A cut heals, a bruise fades, and with proper care, most physical wounds resolve. While the pain of the injury can be intense, it is typically temporary. Likewise, emotional pain from rejection, failure, or humiliation also has a natural course. Initially, it hurts, but in many cases, it, too, can fade over time, especially when we allow ourselves to process it healthily.

However, unlike physical pain, emotional pain can evolve into something more persistent—suffering. Suffering is what happens when we continue to hold on to the pain through the narratives we create in our minds. These narratives often revolve around self-blame, shame, and negative self-evaluation. We begin to revisit the painful experience repeatedly, analyzing it, assigning personal fault, and questioning our self-worth. Over time, this pattern transforms the pain into suffering.

The original emotional pain—the rejection, the failure—has ended. What sustains the suffering now is not the event itself, but the stories we tell ourselves about that event. For example, after a rejection, we might internalize the belief, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll always fail.” This self-blame and shame become a feedback loop, feeding the suffering and allowing it to persist far beyond the original pain.

Below is an excerpt of the therapy session I had to illustrate one example of how I applied this philosophy.

Brandi: I kind of lose control when things get off track. Over the weekend, my friend was celebrating her 30th birthday. I wasn’t going to go because of my upcoming surgery, but then I changed my mind. I wanted to be there for her since I heard she was upset that people were dropping out. So I went, even though I was worried about getting sick. And indeed, I believe I caught COVID from being there. I was really kicking myself for it—blaming myself. I should’ve been more careful since I knew surgery was coming up. But my first instinct was to take care of others. I didn’t think about isolating or protecting myself.

Dr. Ferrer: Many people, including you, go to that place of self-blame. The difference is, for you, it’s harder to get out of that loop. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. The pain there, of course, is the disappointment that your surgery is canceled because you need to be well to undergo the procedure. However, you stay in the suffering longer than necessary. That is, creating a narrative that shames you.

Brandi: Yeah, it’s like a Buddhist principle. I get stuck in it, even though I know logically there’s nothing I can do about it now. It already happened. There’s another surgery date, but I keep wallowing in the “I should’ve done this differently” mindset.

Dr. Ferrer: Think about how you treat your own kids when they’re in pain. Do you immediately tell them, “See, I told you so.” Of course not. There’s no difference in how you should treat yourself. You can give that same care to yourself, but instead, you revert to shame and blame. Pain is already that feeling let down when you realize that taking care of your friend by being present in her celebration may have caused you to catch a virus. It is something you cannot change anymore. But by responding to that pain with the negative narrative is that suffering you are choosing.

Brandi: It’s easy to tell myself I’m a failure. I beat myself up. I forgot to take care of myself when I should’ve. It’s simply hard to just stay in pain and not suffering. I was crying hard that Monday, and my partner didn’t know how to help. I think she was trying by keeping her distance because I was irritable, which is also a trigger for her. I was upset with myself, feeling like a failure for not thinking about protecting myself before the surgery.

Dr. Ferrer: And that’s where the spiral starts.

Brandi: Exactly. Then my daughter came downstairs and saw me crying. She was supposed to watch a movie, but my partner told her I wasn’t up for it. She got upset. I felt like I had to pull myself together because she needed me. So, I went to the bathroom, blew my nose, and told myself, “You have to get up. She’s a kid, she needs help.”

I took a walk with the dog, trying to comfort myself. But it felt like a battle—the mental loop was still there.

Dr. Ferrer: I hear you. And yet, you found a way to comfort yourself. That’s important. You recognized you needed to carry on, even though you were still in pain. In a way, you dealt with the pain but chose not to suffer by doing your best.

Brandi: Yeah, I told my partner what was going on in my head. I explained that when things like this happen, I spiral and beat myself up. But even though I was still struggling, I could see the loop and work through it.

Dr. Ferrer: You’re recognizing it now, which is a big step. The fact that you didn’t get stuck in the negative loop as long as you used to previously is progress. You’re shortening the duration of those spirals.

Brandi: Yeah, I can see that. It took a while, but I managed to pull myself out of it faster than I would’ve in the past. The next day, I called the surgeon’s office, and they postponed the surgery for 30 days. I felt nervous, but I answered the call, which felt like a victory in itself.

In essence, while pain is an inevitable part of life, suffering is something we often create and sustain through our own narratives of self-blame and shame. The distinction lies in our response: while pain arises naturally from difficult experiences, suffering is the result of holding on to and feeding that pain with negative thoughts. By recognizing this, we can choose to let go of the stories that perpetuate suffering and allow ourselves to heal emotionally, just as our bodies naturally heal from physical wounds. Ultimately, though we cannot avoid pain, we can decide whether or not to suffer.

Read more from Rizaldy R. Ferrer, Ph.D.

Disclaimer:
The information provided in this newsletter is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing any mental health issues, please seek professional help. The author of this blog is not liable for any damages or injuries that may result from the use of the information provided here.

When applicable, the names, gender identification, location and/or other identifiable characteristics have been modified to maintain privacy and confidentiality; whilst, still maintaining the integrity of their stories and narratives.

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